Caroline and Will Drunk Blog Moulin Rouge

As I’ve mentioned before, I take movie watching very seriously. But even a serious critic like myself likes to cut loose every now and then. Last week, my good friend Will (check him out on Twitter!) and I decided to order Indian food, drink our weight in gin & tonics, and watch everyone’s favorite musical melodrama Moulin Rouge. So here is the first (of hopefully many) Caroline and Will’s Drunk Liveblog: Moulin Rouge Edition.

MAIN TITLES

 

8:40pm         The movie begins and we start on gin & tonic number one.

                        Caroline: I feel like I’m coming out of the closet as a Moulin Rouge fan.

                        Will: Join the club. Except for the Moulin Rouge part.

                                             

8:41pm          Will and Caroline sing along to the 20^th Century Fox theme

8:42pm          Will: This whole thing takes place on a stage. How meta.

                        Caroline: Do you think our theatre major perspective will be helpful here?

                        Will: Is our theatre major perspective ever helpful?

THERE WAS A BOY

8:44pm          Caroline: When Ewan McGregor cries, I want to cry.

                        Will: Calm down, we’re only two minutes into the movie.

Caroline: The Force is strong with this one.

Will: You’re a nerd.

AT THE MOULIN ROUGE

8:45pm          Will: So many colors, it’s kind of frightening. Ooh Jim Broadbent!

                        Caroline: Are you a Broadbent fan?

                        Will: Have you seen the cinematic masterpiece that is Harry Potter and 

                        the Order of the Phoenix?

8:46pm          Caroline: Is it weird that I love Ewan’s depression beard?

                        Will: Is there anything about him you don’t love?

                        Caroline: His teeth are weird.

                        Will: He’s Scottish, give him a break.

8:47pm          Christian: The woman I loved is... dead.

                        Caroline: Spoiler alert!!

8:48pm          Caroline: Why does Ewan capitalize the word Narcolepsy?

                        Will: Are we focusing on the right things, here?

THE GREEN FAIRY

8:56pm          Will: Kylie Minogue is a gay icon.

                        Caroline: She was also on an episode of Doctor Who!

                        Will: That pretty much sums up our interests.

8:58pm          Will: Plotwise, I don’t understand what’s going on. Ooh Nirvana!

Caroline: I think this was the first time I heard ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’.

Will: That’s not good.

DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND

9:00pm          Time for gin & tonic number two!

9:01pm          Will: So did all of these men just happen to wear the same suit and hat?

                        Caroline: They must be so embarrassed.

9:07pm          Will: That’s a lot of dudes holding hands. This movie is a lot gayer than it 

                         seems. And it seems pretty gay.

9:10pm          Our food arrives! Chicken tikka masala, mutter paneer and a million pieces of naan. We’re too hungry to pause the movie.

A POETRY READING

9:17pm          Will: This could be called the “That’s What She Said Scene.”

                        Caroline: It’s very sexually explicit. Did we really watch this in middle 

                       school?

9:18pm          Will: Nicole Kidman? Not very funny.

YOUR SONG

9:19pm          Caroline is drunk enough to sing along. Will is not pleased.

9:20pm          Will: What’s up with Ewan’s vibrato? He’s just yelling on pitch.

Caroline: It’s raining sparkles!

9:22pm          Will: She’s a crazy whore who was being super weird. Why did Ewan fall 

                       in love with her?

                        Caroline: Shhhh.

9:25pm           We run out of tonic so we switch to Sprite. (Just FYI a gin & Sprite is not 

                         nearly as good as a gin & tonic.)

THE PITCH

9:27pm          Will: For the record, Jim Broadbent is still killing it.

9:30pm          Caroline: I will never get tired of the word maharaja.

9:33pm          The Duke: “And in the end, should someone die?”

                        Caroline: Foreshadowing! Baz Luhrmann is a genius.

 ONE DAY I’LL FLY AWAY

9:38pm          Caroline: Do we like her voice?

                        Will: Nope.

ELEPHANT LOVE SONG MEDLEY

9:39pm          Caroline: The Elephant Love Song Medley, aka why this movie was made.

                        Will: His voice is so much better than hers.

                        Caroline: I’m melting. I’m a puddle.

Will: Her boobs are pretty rocking in this scene. I’ll give her that.

                       

9:43pm            Caroline: People didn’t date back then, they were just married. That’s my 

                         dream life.

9:45pm            Bathroom break for Will. Caroline steals some of his naan.

9:50pm            Will returns: Is she dead yet?

ON WITH THE SHOW

9:51pm          Will: His name is Ziegler? Like Toby Ziegler? Can we watch West Wing?

                        Caroline: I think it’s Zidler.

                        Will: Bartlett for America!

LIKE A VIRGIN

9:53pm          Will: The Duke is secretly hilarious.

                        Caroline: And he secretly has a great voice.

                        Will: I’m rooting for the Duke.

           

SATINE IS DYING

9:54pm          Christian: “For the first time he had felt the cold stab of jealousy.”

                        Will: That’s poetic.

                        Caroline: That’s pathetic.

                        Will: Did you just make a Rent reference?

                        Caroline: Did you just get my Rent reference?

                        Will: Touché.

9:55pm          Satine: “On opening night I have to sleep with the Duke.”

                        Will: If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said that…

 COME WHAT MAY

9:58pm          Caroline is crying. Will is not.

10:00pm       Caroline: Secret songs are the best songs.

                        Will: Is this supposed to be romantic? They barely know each other.

                        Caroline: The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and—

                        Will: Shut up.

10:01pm        Time for another round of drinks!

I DON’T LIKE THIS ENDING

10:02pm        Will does a great impression of the Duke. Caroline laughs for way too long.

10:03pm        “Why would the courtesan go for the penniless writer? Whoops. I mean 

                        sitar player.”

                        Will: That whore is a bitch.

10:05pm        Caroline: Wait, they’re still writing the ending one day before opening? 

                         How will they learn their lines?

LE TANGO DE ROXANNE

10:07pm        Caroline: Finally the Argentinian earns his paycheck.

                        Will: I forgot he existed.

                        Caroline: I think Baz did too.

10:10pm         Will: Is this what prostitutes do on their day off? Sing Sting songs?

10:14pm        Caroline: I never understood this part of the movie. Who is that black 

                      drag queen? What is he doing here? What’s going on? God I love Ewan 

                       McGregor.

THE SHOW MUST GO ON

10:21pm         Will: I’m sick of her stupid, breathy singing voice. Go away Nicole 

                         Kidman. Go back to Keith Urban.

10:23pm        Caroline: God I love sad things.

                        Will: God I love Jim Broadbent.

10:25pm        My roommate returns. She looks concerned.

HINDI SAD DIAMONDS

10:26pm        Caroline: Is this Indian number offensive?

                        Will: Maybe a little.

10:29pm        Will: He basically just made their life into a Bollywood musical.

                        Caroline: Write what you know.

10:35pm        Christian: “I’ve paid my whore.”

                        Caroline: I try to use that in everyday conversation as much as possible.

COME WHAT MAY (REPRISE)

10:37pm        Will: That should be a belting moment for her right there. Missed 

                       opportunity.

                        Caroline: She’s got consumption, what do you expect?     

10:39pm        Will: This production is going awry. The stage manager must be so 

                         overwhelmed.

                        Caroline: This is like nineteenth-century Smash. Where’s Debra Messing 

                        and her scarves?

Will: They all know the choreography for a part of the show they’d never 

rehearsed. They’re the most amazing ensemble in the world.

                        Caroline: Someone get them a Tony!

10:40pm        Caroline: That gun bounces around way too much not to be shot. 

                        Chekhov is rolling in his grave.

10:42pm        Will: She’s bleeding out of the mouth. That’s not a good sign.

                        Caroline: She probably shouldn’t have been belting that love song.

                        Will: She wasn’t exactly belting….

 

10:46pm         Will: Thank god she’s finally dead.

Caroline is in the fetal position.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Will

There was not enough substance to back up the emotional blah I was supposed to feel.

Caroline

Can I use the extra naan to dry my tears? Just kidding, I ate it all.

What These Lifetime Movies Should Have Been About

Until they make a holiday celebrating battered women and mysterious kidnappings, Christmas is probably Lifetime’s favorite time of the year. Around November, Lifetime begins to churn out an excess of holiday-themed fair. Ranging from campy melodrama to melodramatic camp, these movies feature low budget sets, horrifying scripts and wooden acting. Just what you want around the holidays!

To honor the network that made a movie called “An Amish Murder” (I’m not kidding, it premieres in January), I decided to take the titles of eight holiday-themed Lifetime Original Movies and try to guess what they might be about, based solely on the title. I’ve also listed Lifetime’s actual plot summary so you can see how close I got. Let’s just say that I don’t think Lifetime will be calling me up for a job anytime soon.

1. A Dad for Christmas

What It Should Be About: Eric is a washed up actor who comes up with a brilliant money-making scheme. He hires himself out as a “dad” for Christmas morning. His holiday schedule is booked as he bounces between the houses of divorcees and single moms. Eric’s got a long list of rules that keep him from getting too attached to the families he visits. At first it’s all fun and games until Eric meets Shelia, a single mom who breaks every rule in his book.

What It’s Actually About: “Matt, who is nineteen, goes to the hospital to see his newborn son, only to discover that his young girlfriend has already made arrangements for a couple to the adopt him. With the adoption imminent and no means to stop it, Matt takes Luke out of the hospital to his grandmother's house.”

(That’s literally the description I pulled from Lifetime’s website. Talk about a boring way to sum up what sounds like a pretty dramatic movie.)

2. Comfort and Joy

What It Should Be About: Two high-class escorts, Comfort and Joy, ply their trade around the holidays. It’s a madcap comedy as the two girls are invited to an important Christmas party where hundreds of their clients are in attendance. Mistaken identities, physical comedy, and holiday hijinks ensue as these two wacky hookers with hearts of gold scramble to keep their true professions a secret.

What It’s Actually About: “An upscale, single, career woman is knocked unconscious in a car accident on Christmas eve and when she wakes up, she's told that she's a married housewife with a husband and two kids. After spending time with her "family," she finds that she likes the loving wife and mother she has become though she has no recollection of how she got there.”

(Any movie that starts with the description “an upscale, single, career woman” is bound to be awful.)

3. A Boyfriend for Christmas

What It Should Be About: A young girl named Caley finally raises the money to complete her gender reassignment surgery. She breaks the news to her conservative family on Christmas Eve and is kicked out of the house just before the egg nog is served. Caley finds a new friend in Mia, a street artist also spending Christmas Eve alone. A tentative romance blossoms between the two outcasts and Mia takes Caley to the hospital for her procedure. With her surgery complete Caley (now Carl) finally becomes what she always wanted to be- a boyfriend for Christmas.

What It’s Actually About: “Holly professes that she doesn’t believe in Santa Claus since she can’t meet the man of her dreams. When Santa sets her up with Ryan, he seems perfect until it is revealed that he has kept some secrets from her. Ultimately, Holly must choose between her bland boyfriend Ted and Ryan.”

(Don’t tell me you wouldn’t rather watch my version.)

4. Christmas in Paradise

What It Should Be About: The title leans heavily on irony as there’s nothing perfect about this Christmas vacation. The Barnes family are shipwrecked on a deserted island and spend the holidays trying to survive. Just as they settle into their new lives, mysterious noises emerge from the jungle. It soon becomes clear that there’s something else out there. The entire clan is killed  off one by one, leaving little Jimmy to fend for himself against a mysterious monster on Christmas Day.

What It’s Actually About: “Two families looking to escape bad holiday memories take a vacation to an exotic Caribbean island over Christmas. Given all they have in common, the parents and kids develop bonds over the course of their stay. When an unexpected visitor from the past appears and threatens their tentative romance, what promised to be a happy Christmas filled with fresh hope and new relationships turns complicated. Eventually, the two families come back together in love, friendship and filled with the Christmas spirit.” 

(Does someone get paid to write these things?)

5. Holiday Baggage

What It Should Be About: Two flight attendants, Crystal and Carmen, cook up a crazy scheme to rob from the rich and give to the poor. It’s a sort of Robin-Hood-in-the-skies story as the attendants steal the baggage of greedy businessmen and give it away to needy families. Everything’s going according to plan until Crystal falls in love with the very businessman she is supposed to be stealing from.

What It’s Actually About: “A marriage and family who rediscovers the meaning of Christmas when pediatrician by day, single mom by night, Sarah invites her estranged pilot husband, Pete, back to their suburban home for the holidays on one condition--he must reconcile with their daughters before she agrees to finalize their trial separation with divorce.” 

(I hope her business cards read “pediatrician by day, single mom by night.”)

6. Christmas Crash

What It Should Be About: A sequel to the 2004 Oscar winning film Crash, this movie takes a hard look at the issues of race and class that plague our society. But this time it’s set at Christmas! Ludacris is the only returning star from the original film and he turns in a stunning performance as a mall Santa dealing with prejudice.

What It’s Actually About: “A couple on the brink of divorce crashes their private plane into the woods and are presumed dead. Their children do not give up hope and find them after days go by. We learn that one of his business partners was responsible for the crash. Their near death adventure reminds them of how much they still love each other.”

(Wow, that was way darker than I expected.)

7. Crazy for Christmas

What It Should Be About: After suffering with mental instability for years, Angel’s family commits her to a psychiatric hospital on Christmas Eve. Angel is reluctant to join group therapy at first until a no-nonsense nurse (a surprise cameo by Rob Lowe) changes her mind. In therapy, Angel meets a whole host of characters who teach her that there’s no shame in being crazy for Christmas.

What It’s Actually About: “Shannon is stuck working on Christmas Eve, driving around an eccentric, wealthy older man who keeps giving away his money. The single mom would rather be home with her son, but it will turn out to be one of the craziest and most incredible nights of her life -- this chauffeur and her passenger will change each other's lives in ways you could never imagine”

(I actually kind of want to watch this one.)

8. Holiday Switch

What It Should Be About: A Jewish family and a Christian family pull a freaky Friday and learn a little about each other’s culture in the process. Henry makes a wish on a Christmas tree, just as Abraham wishes on the menorah and now nothing will ever be the same again. The Johnsons and the Goldbergs have to figure out the true meaning of Christmas and Hanukkah in order to switch back in time for New Years.

What It’s Actually About: “A week before Christmas, Paula finds herself struggling with bills and life with her blue-collar husband Gary and her two daughters. When Nick, her high school boyfriend returns to town, a wealthy art gallery owner, Paula wonders if she made the wrong decision when she took the wrong date to the prom. What would her life have been like if she stayed with Nick?”

(At least mine has the potential to be fun and educational.)

That’s it for this year folks! Thanks for following along on my blogging adventures. If you like what you read, please pass the blog along to your friends. (It’ll be your Christmas gift to me.) See ya in 2013!

An Open Letter...

An Open Letter to Grey's Anatomy

 

Dear Grey’s Anatomy,

We need to talk. We’ve been apart this summer and it's given me some time to think. Things just don’t feel the same between us anymore, Grey's. I admit it took me longer than it should have to get to know you. For a while you were just a show my sister watched. Sure, I might have tuned in for a ferry crash or bomb scare, but those were novelty episodes. I didn't really get to know you, Grey's, until three summers ago. 

Ah that fateful summer when our relationship really exploded. Remember those late nights as I desperately searched for you on Megavideo? And then I finally broke down and got a Netflix account and things really began to heat up. I could watch you all night long, as many times as I wanted. Ours was a whirlwind romance, Grey’s. Five seasons in two months. You asked me to pick you, choose you, love you, and I did Grey's Anatomy, I did.

I’d never seen anything like you before Grey’s. I never told you this, but you were my first medical drama. And you were so good Grey’s. So sexy. So fresh. You had a young cast, hip music and a near-perfect balance of comedy and drama. There were patients to care about and romances to follow. Do you remember those days Grey’s? They seem so long ago. Back when Alex was a jerk and George loved Meredith. Back before Burke (Burke!) and Cristina were an item. Back when Bailey was called the Nazi and Meredith was dark and twisty. 

You took me places I’d never gone before, Grey's. You introduced me to Denny and just as quickly ripped him away from me. Then the interns Spartacus-ed it to save Izzie’s job and I fell in love with you all over again. You magically transformed Addison from a villain to a redheaded goddess. George got syphilis, Meredith got drunk, the Chief got sober. George performed heart surgery in an elevator, Cristina hid Burke's tremor, and Mark Sloan got a stupid McNickname. 

It hasn't all been fun and games Grey's. You made me cry harder than I've ever cried before. When George’s dad died, when Cristina lost her baby, when Bailey did her peds residency. You made me feel Grey’s. You melted my cold, cold heart and left me sobbing in my bed at 2am. But I loved you for that Grey’s, I loved you for making me feel in ways I didn’t think possible. 

You've done some other great things, Grey's. In an era noted for a gradual whitening of television, you feature an ensemble of powerful characters of many races and genders. And that’s a big deal Grey’s. You have one of the most diverse casts on TV and I love that about you. Even more importantly, you don't feel the need to define any of your characters based solely on their race. Bailey isn’t awesome because she’s black, she’s awesome because she’s Bailey. 

You’ve changed over the years Grey’s. You introduced new characters. Some, like Callie, I loved. Others, like Hahn, I hated with the passion of a thousand suns. There's no denying  things got weird sometimes. Like when Meredith died and went to limbo, or when Izzie was banging Denny’s ghost. Even though I didn't say anything, I noticed the weirdness. Izzie nursed a deer back to health, interns started doing surgeries on themselves, George and Izzie slept together (I know, I want to forget it too Grey's, but we both know it happened). But every time someone shouted "Get out of my OR!" or started a passionate declaration with "You don't get to..." I was sucked in all over again. I learned to love Lexie Grey and lusted after the Adonis-like Avery Jackson. I cried when George walked a cancer-striken-Izzie down the aisle to marry Alex. 

I think we can both admit that the past few years haven’t been your best. Sure Hunt is one of my favorite characters and Arizona is pretty adorable, but some of that initial spark is gone. Maybe because you keep killing people Grey’s. (Seriously, I think you should probably talk to someone about that). Denny, Ellis, George, Susan Grey, Reed, Charles. And if you don’t kill them, you banish them forever. Burke, Izzie, Teddy, Addison, Sadie, Ava/Rebecca. Where have they all gone Grey’s? 

This might be hard to hear, but I've thought about leaving. Like when Arizona went to "Africa." But then you gave me one of the most heart-racing two hours of television when that shooter took down the hospital Rambo-style. How could I leave you after that Grey's? You needed me. And I needed you too. 

Don't think it was easy for me to make it through that musical episode. I can tell you were as embarrassed by that as I was, but we've all made mistakes and I'm willing to forgive you. But this isn't just a one time thing Grey's. You seem determined to destroy everything I loved about you in the first place. Why is Kepner suddenly a religious-nut? Why would Owen cheat? Why does Cristina get pregnant every other episode? (Seriously has she never heard of birth control?) 

And that plane crash Grey's, what was that about? I know Lost was popular, but this is just making you look desperate. I admit, I liked last night’s episode more than I expected. The weird timeline reversal between this and the premiere may have robbed this episode of some tension but, hey, I can get onboard with some good-old-fashioned-dramatic-irony. You’re racking up some more deaths though, Grey’s, and that makes me nervous. It's only a matter of time before the hospital is subjected to a nuclear explosion and everyone turns into radiation-zombies who occasionally perform songs by The Fray. 

But you know what Grey's, I'd probably stick around for that too. Because no matter how hard you try to drive me away, I just can't abandon those plucky doctors of Seattle Grace. I picked you, chose you and loved you, Grey's, and you don't get to tell me when to stop watching. Now get out of my OR.