As I’ve mentioned before, I take movie watching very
seriously. But even a serious critic like myself likes to cut loose every now
and then. Last week, my good friend Will (check him out on Twitter!) and I decided to order Indian food, drink
our weight in gin & tonics, and watch everyone’s favorite musical melodrama
Moulin Rouge. So here is the first
(of hopefully many) Caroline and Will’s
Drunk Liveblog: Moulin Rouge Edition.
MAIN TITLES
8:40pm The
movie begins and we start on gin & tonic number one.
Caroline:
I feel like I’m coming out of the closet as a Moulin Rouge fan.
Will:
Join the club. Except for the Moulin
Rouge part.
8:42pm Will: This whole thing takes place on a
stage. How meta.
Caroline:
Do you think our theatre major perspective will be helpful here?
Will:
Is our theatre major perspective ever helpful?
THERE WAS A BOY
8:44pm Caroline: When Ewan McGregor cries, I
want to cry.
Will:
Calm down, we’re only two minutes into the movie.
Caroline: The Force is strong with this
one.
Will: You’re a nerd.
AT THE MOULIN ROUGE
8:45pm Will: So many colors, it’s kind of frightening.
Ooh Jim Broadbent!
Caroline:
Are you a Broadbent fan?
Will:
Have you seen the cinematic
masterpiece that is Harry Potter and
the
Order of the Phoenix?
8:46pm Caroline:
Is it weird that I love Ewan’s depression beard?
Will: Is there anything about him you
don’t love?
Caroline: His teeth are weird.
Will: He’s Scottish, give him a break.
8:47pm Christian: The woman I
loved is... dead.
Caroline:
Spoiler alert!!
8:48pm Caroline: Why does Ewan capitalize the
word Narcolepsy?
Will:
Are we focusing on the right things, here?
THE GREEN FAIRY
8:56pm Will: Kylie Minogue is a gay icon.
Caroline:
She was also on an episode of Doctor Who!
Will:
That pretty much sums up our interests.
8:58pm Will: Plotwise, I don’t understand
what’s going on. Ooh Nirvana!
Caroline: I think this was the first time I heard ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’.
Will: That’s not good.
DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL’S
BEST FRIEND
9:00pm Time
for gin & tonic number two!
9:01pm Will: So did all of these men just
happen to wear the same suit and hat?
Caroline:
They must be so embarrassed.
9:07pm Will:
That’s a lot of dudes holding hands. This movie is a lot gayer than it
seems.
And it seems pretty gay.
9:10pm Our food arrives! Chicken tikka
masala, mutter paneer and a million pieces of naan. We’re too hungry to pause
the movie.
A POETRY READING
9:17pm Will:
This could be called the “That’s What She Said Scene.”
Caroline: It’s very sexually explicit.
Did we really watch this in middle
school?
9:18pm Will: Nicole Kidman? Not very funny.
YOUR SONG
9:19pm Caroline
is drunk enough to sing along. Will is not pleased.
9:20pm Will:
What’s up with Ewan’s vibrato? He’s just yelling on pitch.
Caroline: It’s raining sparkles!
9:22pm Will:
She’s a crazy whore who was being super weird. Why did Ewan fall
in love
with her?
Caroline: Shhhh.
9:25pm We run out of tonic so we switch to
Sprite. (Just FYI a gin & Sprite is not
nearly as good as a gin & tonic.)
THE PITCH
9:27pm Will:
For the record, Jim Broadbent is still killing it.
9:30pm Caroline:
I will never get tired of the word maharaja.
9:33pm The
Duke: “And in the end, should someone die?”
Caroline:
Foreshadowing! Baz Luhrmann is a genius.
ONE DAY I’LL FLY AWAY
9:38pm Caroline:
Do we like her voice?
Will: Nope.
ELEPHANT LOVE SONG MEDLEY
9:39pm Caroline: The Elephant Love Song Medley, aka why this movie was made.
Will: His voice is so much better than
hers.
Caroline: I’m melting. I’m a puddle.
Will: Her boobs are pretty rocking in this
scene. I’ll give her that.
9:43pm Caroline:
People didn’t date back then, they were just married. That’s my
dream life.
9:45pm Bathroom break for Will. Caroline steals
some of his naan.
9:50pm Will
returns: Is she dead yet?
ON WITH THE SHOW
9:51pm Will:
His name is Ziegler? Like Toby Ziegler? Can we watch West Wing?
Caroline: I think it’s Zidler.
Will: Bartlett for America!
LIKE A VIRGIN
9:53pm Will:
The Duke is secretly hilarious.
Caroline: And he secretly has a great
voice.
Will: I’m rooting for the Duke.
SATINE IS DYING
9:54pm Christian:
“For the first time he had felt the cold stab of jealousy.”
Will: That’s poetic.
Caroline: That’s pathetic.
Will: Did you just make a Rent reference?
Caroline: Did you just get my Rent reference?
Will: Touché.
9:55pm Satine:
“On opening night I have to sleep with the Duke.”
Will: If I had a dollar for every time
I’ve said that…
COME WHAT MAY
9:58pm Caroline is crying. Will is not.
10:00pm Caroline:
Secret songs are the best songs.
Will: Is this supposed to be romantic?
They barely know each other.
Caroline:
The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and—
Will:
Shut up.
10:01pm Time for another round of drinks!
I DON’T LIKE THIS ENDING
10:02pm Will does a great impression of the
Duke. Caroline laughs for way too long.
10:03pm “Why would the courtesan
go for the penniless writer? Whoops. I mean
sitar player.”
Will: That whore is a bitch.
10:05pm Caroline:
Wait, they’re still writing the ending one day before opening?
How will they learn their lines?
LE TANGO DE ROXANNE
10:07pm Caroline:
Finally the Argentinian earns his paycheck.
Will: I forgot he existed.
Caroline: I think Baz did too.
10:10pm Will:
Is this what prostitutes do on their day off? Sing Sting songs?
10:14pm Caroline:
I never understood this part of the movie. Who is that black
drag queen? What is he doing here?
What’s going on? God I love Ewan
McGregor.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON
10:21pm Will:
I’m sick of her stupid, breathy singing voice. Go away Nicole
Kidman. Go back
to Keith Urban.
10:23pm Caroline:
God I love sad things.
Will:
God I love Jim Broadbent.
10:25pm My roommate returns. She looks
concerned.
HINDI SAD DIAMONDS
10:26pm Caroline:
Is this Indian number offensive?
Will: Maybe a little.
10:29pm Will: He basically just made their life
into a Bollywood musical.
Caroline:
Write what you know.
10:35pm Christian: “I’ve paid my whore.”
Caroline: I try to use that in everyday
conversation as much as possible.
COME WHAT MAY
(REPRISE)
10:37pm Will: That should be a belting moment for
her right there. Missed
opportunity.
Caroline:
She’s got consumption, what do you expect?
10:39pm Will:
This production is going awry. The stage manager must be so
overwhelmed.
Caroline: This is like
nineteenth-century Smash. Where’s
Debra Messing
and her scarves?
Will: They all know the choreography
for a part of the show they’d never
rehearsed. They’re the most
amazing ensemble in the world.
Caroline: Someone get them a Tony!
10:40pm Caroline:
That gun bounces around way too much not to be shot.
Chekhov is rolling in his grave.
10:42pm Will:
She’s bleeding out of the mouth. That’s not a good sign.
Caroline: She probably shouldn’t have
been belting that love song.
Will:
She wasn’t exactly belting….
10:46pm Will:
Thank god she’s finally dead.
Caroline is in the
fetal position.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
Will
There was
not enough substance to back up the emotional blah I was supposed to feel.
Caroline
Can I
use the extra naan to dry my tears? Just kidding, I ate it all.
Genius. Felt like I was there with you. Really made me want some naan and listen to moulin rouge belted by Christina aguilera. Maybe she should have taken over Nicole kidmans role haha
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