Released: 2013
Director: Richard LaGravenese
Starring: Alice Englert & Alden Ehrenreich
Grade: A-
(NOTE: This movie was graded on a camp-value curve)
For the first twenty minutes I couldn’t quite decide what to think of Beautiful Creatures. It’s
essentially Twilight set in the South,
with witches instead of vampires, and the genders of the main characters
reversed. For the first couple of scenes the film didn’t do much to distinguish
itself from its supernatural romance predecessor, but at the twenty-minute mark
something magical happened. As our star-crossed lovers bantered un-wittily, the
camera swung around to reveal Jeremy Irons (or, as he will henceforth be known,
Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons), clad in a crisp, white, Asian-inspired
housecoat that Liberace would die for, accessorized with Aviator sunglasses,
leaning against the pillar of his mansion and inviting everyone inside with a heavy
Southern drawl. What started as a boring teen romance suddenly took a sharp turn
into Ed Wood levels of camp and I was onboard faster than you can say Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Beautiful Creature’s protagonist, Ethan Wate, is a charming Southern teenager with a tragic past (his mom died), who is still totally sensitive and intellectual (which we can tell because he loves Slaughterhouse Five and only reads banned books). What Ethan wants more than anything is to escape his tiny town of Gatlin, South Carolina and explore the world. We meet Ethan at the start of his junior year, as his teacher explains the mandatory Civil War reenactment all students must attend over Christmas Break. Just as we’re starting to suspect that conspicuously mentioned reenactment might feature heavily in the movie’s climax, a mysterious new girl ambles moodily into Ethan’s class. Turns out she’s Lena Duchannes, the niece of notorious million and town recluse, Macon Ravenwood (Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons). All of the girls totally hate Lena because, I don’t know, she’s brunette? Also they assume she’s a Satanist and they’re good Christians and don’t want to be in the same room with her (oh by the way, this movie is set in the South).
Ethan falls in love with Lena because, I don’t know, she’s brunette? He shows up at her house after knowing her for one day and they have all this sexual tension, but Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons is against the whole thing and uses a spell to force Ethan out. Thankfully, Ethan is way too hipster to be scared away by magic, so he sneaks back to Lena’s room where she confesses that she is a “Caster,” the politically correct term for witch nowadays. Like all female casters, on her 16th birthday Lena will be claimed for either the Light or the Dark. (Sort of like in Star Wars, but with more mood swings and fewer lightsabers). At this point I began to wonder if this “claiming” was supposed to be a metaphor for female sexuality and the sexual double standard, but then I remembered I was watching a movie with the tagline “dark secrets will come to light.”
Just as I was starting to get a little bored of all of this clunky exposition, Academy-Award-Winning-Actress-Emma-Thompson shows up as a Bible Thumping Gatlin resident who is also (spoiler alert) being controlled by the evil spirit of Lena’s mother, Sarafine. In perhaps my favorite scene in the movie, Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons and Academy-Award-Winning-Actress-Emma Thompson have an amazingly over the top confrontation that takes place in a church and has incestuous undertones and allows both actors to eat their fill of the scenery. Plus Academy-Award-Winning-Actress-Emma-Thompson gets to use the evil maniacal laugh I can only assume she spent her career preparing.
In order to protect Lena from Sarafine’s evil influences, Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons turns to Academy-Award-Nominated-Actress-Viola-Davis (who is sort of living with Ethan as his mother figure or maybe she’s his housekeeper, it’s not really clear). What is clear is that Academy-Award-Nominated-Actress-Viola-Davis must have been paid a boatload of money to be in this film because it turns out she is a “seerer” which seems to consist of bringing coconut cream pie to her uncle’s grave while wearing tribal jewelry and decorative scars. It’s all vaguely racist and vaguely confusing and maybe Academy-Award-Nominated-Actress-Viola-Davis is just trying to punish us all for the fact that Meryl Streep stole her Oscar.
Since one major magic curse isn’t enough, there’s also a curse that says that if a Caster loves a mortal she will be claimed for the Dark no matter what. So Lena’s fighting an uphill battle here, and she’s totally upset about it, and then to make matters worse her super hot cousin Ridley (Emmy Rossum) shows up literally wearing lingerie. Ridley was claimed for the Dark and apparently her power is being sexy and everyone in the family hates her and you can tell Emmy Rossum has never been happier than while playing this part.
Lena’s family uses magic to separate her from Ethan, but his love for his paranormal paramour is so strong that it breaks the protection spell. And because the magical abilities of Casters are never clearly defined, we accept this turn of events. Ethan decides to help Lena break the curse and turn to the Light and they totally have sex (which is represented metaphorically through a sign catching on fire). At this point the more puritanical of the Twilight fans are freaking out because Ethan and Lena aren’t married, but it’s also kind of hot so everyone’s okay with it.
The plot just gets more convoluted from there including a spiritual connection to the Civil War, a magical bullet, and a secret underground library, but I’ll spare you the details in case you want to see this one for yourselves.
So what to make of the beautiful mess that is Beautiful Creature? On the one hand it’s got one of the most convoluted plots this side of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Even though it tries to set itself apart from Twilight by making the female character the supernatural one, Lena is just as dull as Bella Swan and perhaps even moodier (which isn’t aided by Alice Englert’s wooden performance). On the other hand, I thoroughly enjoyed watching every minute of this movie, if only to see what ridiculous Elton-John-inspired outfit Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons would wear next. (At one point there’s even an extended scene of him playing the piano for no reason at all). Academy-Award-Winning-Actress-Emma-Thompson is having so much fun not playing a dowdy mother figure, and the unfortunately named Alden Ehrenreich as Ethan is actually pretty darn charming in a slightly James Dean-esque, boyish way.
While Twilight got bogged down in lingering glances and pained expressions, Beautiful Creatures allows its romantic leads to enjoy each other’s company, which, shockingly, got me more invested in their relationship. I was doubtful of the film at first, but once I turned off my brain I was happily swept away into the over-the-top world of the Southern supernatural. There’s a knowing campiness about the whole film that not even the most humorous moment of Twilight aspired to. You’ve got to accept is that this is Beautiful Creature’s world and we’re just living in it.
Reality factor: A fact about Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons’ character that is mentioned several times is that he loves Google. I am not kidding. [0 out of 5]
Eye-candy factor: Regardless of sexual orientation, I think we can all agree that Emmy Rossum was smokin’ hot in this film. [5 out of 5]
Aww factor: Alden Ehrenreich is charming enough to make a truckload of tormented teenager clichés seem adorable. [4 out of 5]
What did you think of Beautiful Creatures? Campy fun or boring teen romance? Let me know in the comments section below!
Beautiful Creature’s protagonist, Ethan Wate, is a charming Southern teenager with a tragic past (his mom died), who is still totally sensitive and intellectual (which we can tell because he loves Slaughterhouse Five and only reads banned books). What Ethan wants more than anything is to escape his tiny town of Gatlin, South Carolina and explore the world. We meet Ethan at the start of his junior year, as his teacher explains the mandatory Civil War reenactment all students must attend over Christmas Break. Just as we’re starting to suspect that conspicuously mentioned reenactment might feature heavily in the movie’s climax, a mysterious new girl ambles moodily into Ethan’s class. Turns out she’s Lena Duchannes, the niece of notorious million and town recluse, Macon Ravenwood (Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons). All of the girls totally hate Lena because, I don’t know, she’s brunette? Also they assume she’s a Satanist and they’re good Christians and don’t want to be in the same room with her (oh by the way, this movie is set in the South).
Ethan falls in love with Lena because, I don’t know, she’s brunette? He shows up at her house after knowing her for one day and they have all this sexual tension, but Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons is against the whole thing and uses a spell to force Ethan out. Thankfully, Ethan is way too hipster to be scared away by magic, so he sneaks back to Lena’s room where she confesses that she is a “Caster,” the politically correct term for witch nowadays. Like all female casters, on her 16th birthday Lena will be claimed for either the Light or the Dark. (Sort of like in Star Wars, but with more mood swings and fewer lightsabers). At this point I began to wonder if this “claiming” was supposed to be a metaphor for female sexuality and the sexual double standard, but then I remembered I was watching a movie with the tagline “dark secrets will come to light.”
Just as I was starting to get a little bored of all of this clunky exposition, Academy-Award-Winning-Actress-Emma-Thompson shows up as a Bible Thumping Gatlin resident who is also (spoiler alert) being controlled by the evil spirit of Lena’s mother, Sarafine. In perhaps my favorite scene in the movie, Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons and Academy-Award-Winning-Actress-Emma Thompson have an amazingly over the top confrontation that takes place in a church and has incestuous undertones and allows both actors to eat their fill of the scenery. Plus Academy-Award-Winning-Actress-Emma-Thompson gets to use the evil maniacal laugh I can only assume she spent her career preparing.
In order to protect Lena from Sarafine’s evil influences, Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons turns to Academy-Award-Nominated-Actress-Viola-Davis (who is sort of living with Ethan as his mother figure or maybe she’s his housekeeper, it’s not really clear). What is clear is that Academy-Award-Nominated-Actress-Viola-Davis must have been paid a boatload of money to be in this film because it turns out she is a “seerer” which seems to consist of bringing coconut cream pie to her uncle’s grave while wearing tribal jewelry and decorative scars. It’s all vaguely racist and vaguely confusing and maybe Academy-Award-Nominated-Actress-Viola-Davis is just trying to punish us all for the fact that Meryl Streep stole her Oscar.
Since one major magic curse isn’t enough, there’s also a curse that says that if a Caster loves a mortal she will be claimed for the Dark no matter what. So Lena’s fighting an uphill battle here, and she’s totally upset about it, and then to make matters worse her super hot cousin Ridley (Emmy Rossum) shows up literally wearing lingerie. Ridley was claimed for the Dark and apparently her power is being sexy and everyone in the family hates her and you can tell Emmy Rossum has never been happier than while playing this part.
Lena’s family uses magic to separate her from Ethan, but his love for his paranormal paramour is so strong that it breaks the protection spell. And because the magical abilities of Casters are never clearly defined, we accept this turn of events. Ethan decides to help Lena break the curse and turn to the Light and they totally have sex (which is represented metaphorically through a sign catching on fire). At this point the more puritanical of the Twilight fans are freaking out because Ethan and Lena aren’t married, but it’s also kind of hot so everyone’s okay with it.
The plot just gets more convoluted from there including a spiritual connection to the Civil War, a magical bullet, and a secret underground library, but I’ll spare you the details in case you want to see this one for yourselves.
So what to make of the beautiful mess that is Beautiful Creature? On the one hand it’s got one of the most convoluted plots this side of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Even though it tries to set itself apart from Twilight by making the female character the supernatural one, Lena is just as dull as Bella Swan and perhaps even moodier (which isn’t aided by Alice Englert’s wooden performance). On the other hand, I thoroughly enjoyed watching every minute of this movie, if only to see what ridiculous Elton-John-inspired outfit Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons would wear next. (At one point there’s even an extended scene of him playing the piano for no reason at all). Academy-Award-Winning-Actress-Emma-Thompson is having so much fun not playing a dowdy mother figure, and the unfortunately named Alden Ehrenreich as Ethan is actually pretty darn charming in a slightly James Dean-esque, boyish way.
While Twilight got bogged down in lingering glances and pained expressions, Beautiful Creatures allows its romantic leads to enjoy each other’s company, which, shockingly, got me more invested in their relationship. I was doubtful of the film at first, but once I turned off my brain I was happily swept away into the over-the-top world of the Southern supernatural. There’s a knowing campiness about the whole film that not even the most humorous moment of Twilight aspired to. You’ve got to accept is that this is Beautiful Creature’s world and we’re just living in it.
Reality factor: A fact about Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons’ character that is mentioned several times is that he loves Google. I am not kidding. [0 out of 5]
Eye-candy factor: Regardless of sexual orientation, I think we can all agree that Emmy Rossum was smokin’ hot in this film. [5 out of 5]
Aww factor: Alden Ehrenreich is charming enough to make a truckload of tormented teenager clichés seem adorable. [4 out of 5]
What did you think of Beautiful Creatures? Campy fun or boring teen romance? Let me know in the comments section below!
awesome review! made me laugh out loud!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much!
ReplyDelete