Theatre Review

BIG FISH: The Musical

I’m taking a break from my usual rom com reviews to share some thoughts on a new musical adaption of Big Fish that’s currently playing in Chicago (gotta put that theatre degree to use somehow!) Big Fish is playing at the Oriental Theatre through May 5^th. Ticket information is available on their official website.

Grade: C+

The new Broadway-bound musical Big Fish, currently in tryouts in Chicago, attempts to juxtapose the fantastical with the mundane by crafting two worlds onstage. Sadly only one of those worlds actually works, creating a bizarrely uneven night of musical theatre that achieves moments of greatness and moments of tedium that smell awfully fishy. It’s not a total flop, but it’s a misstep that leads this big fish swimming in circles instead of moving forward in a satisfying way.

The musical, based on the 2003 Tim Burton movie and the 1998 book by Daniel Wallace, centers around Edward and Will Bloom, a southern father and son whose relationship struggles when it comes to communication. Edward is famous for recounting epic, magical tales of his life, including the time he caught the titular fish using his wedding ring. The more pragmatic Will knows the tale of his father befriending a giant and joining the circus, but feels like he’s never connected with the man behind the stories. With his own baby on the way and Edward’s health in jeopardy, Will tries to understand what his father is hiding behind all of his tall tales.

As I mentioned, there are essentially two halves of the show. One half is the “real world,” the scenes between adult Will and his father that start at Will’s wedding and continue a couple of years into the future (Big Fish places fast and loose with time and place, jumping from location to location with remarkable fluidity). The other half of the show is “Edward’s fantasy world,” the visual manifestation of the tall tales Edward recounts to everyone around him. These stories start when Edward meets a witch as a young boy and continue on to depict him as high school hero, giant tamer, circus worker, romantic wooer, soldier, and father to a young Will. It’s not quiet as confusing onstage as it sounds on paper, but there’s still a lot to keep track of (not to mention a totally superfluous fantasy sequence set in the Wild West). The musical bounces back and forth between its two worlds in a way that never feels particularly purposeful.

Somewhat surprisingly, it’s the realistic portion of the show that works beautifully. The staging is simple, the scenes are well written, and the acting is solid. Book writer John August (who also penned Burton’s film) and director Susan Stroman find a quiet intensity in these scenes that still manages to fill a big Broadway-sized stage. They are helped along by their fantastic cast, particularly Bobby Steggert as Will who is doing incredible work in a role that requires very little singing and a whole hell of a lot of acting. The music, by Andrew Lippa, isn’t particularly memorable, but the best songs all take place in the “real world.” The show’s best number “Fight the Dragons” (available for free download here) does more to establish Edward’s character than all of his fantastical stories put together.  

The problem lies almost entirely in the “Edward’s fantasy world” portion of the show. The intention here is create a unique visual landscape for Edward’s stories that feels entirely different than the more somber real world. Unfortunately that visual landscape seems to be based around the terms “hokey” and “corny.” There’s clearly a lot of money being pumped into this show, but it all ends up feeling cheap and cutesy in a way that undermines the show’s central themes. I think the intention was to make Edward’s stories feel like something out of a children’s book, but the production aims too low and the stories end up feeling like The Wiggles instead of The Lion King (the stage version). There are a few hints of creativity (cowboys emerging from a TV screen, ensemble members hidden amongst the set, imaginative elephant costumes), but the majority of the time the fantasy sections rely on slow motion and hammy acting. Instead of feeling creative or magical, this section of the show just feels like bad musical theatre. The songs are dull, the choreography isn’t innovative, and the actors seem to have been directed to chew the scenery as much as possible. Instead of feeling like a triumph of bravery, the scene where Edward befriends the fearsome giant is played like a friendship lesson from a PBS cartoon. (It's also pretty much identical to this scene from the stop motion Santa Claus is Coming to Town.) There are no real stakes so Edward never seems like a hero so much as a cast member on Sesame Street. It's fun to watch a talented ensemble put on a USO show and I enjoy confetti as much as the next person, but there's nothing beneath the glossy surface of Edward's stories that links them thematically to the lovely real world scenes.

What saves the production is its incredibly game cast lead by Norbert Leo Butz as Edward, Kate Baldwin as his wife Sandra, and the aforementioned Bobby Steggert as adult Will. While a child actor portrays Will in his youth, Baldwin and Butz are called upon to play their roles from teenagers to empty nesters. It’s a slightly strange choice given that they are either too old or too young for their characters for the majority of the musical, but the actors are so spirited they mostly make it work. Baldwin in particular does an amazing job transforming herself from wide-eyed teenager to mature adult. Butz doesn’t seem quiet as comfortable as the younger iteration of Edward (although he’s certainly energetic enough to be a teenager), but absolutely nails the older wisecracking version of his character. He perfectly captures the Southern charm and slightly sardonic sense of humor that endears Edward to everyone except for the son he’s trying to impress. As a young father Butz is loving but slightly distant in a way that betrays an uncertainty about the nature of fatherhood, and as the elderly, cancer-ridden version of the same character he manages to capture an ornery spirit worn down by disease. It’s a great central performance and it’s a shame that the musical’s bifurcated structure never allows Edward to coalesce as a character the way he should.

There are some great things happening on the Oriental Theatre stage right now, it’s just too bad they are only happening half the time. I wouldn’t be surprised if Big Fish ends up being a big commercial hit (my audience certainly seemed thoroughly entertained by the spectacle numbers), but there’s a wasted opportunity here for some really groundbreaking storytelling. The cast and director prove their worth in the realistic scenes, but fail to find a creative way to tell the stories Edward is famous for. The show is slick, energetic, and colorful, but there’s an emptiness behind the fantasy that robs Edward’s stories of their heart.

Review

Because I Said So

Released: 2007
Director: Michael Lehmann
Starring: Mandy Moore & Diane Keaton

Grade: C-
 

I have been procrastinating on this review for weeks; every time I open the page to start working my eyes glaze over and my mind goes numb. I could blame this on writer’s block or generally laziness, but I think at least some of the blame falls on the dreadfully dull Because I Said So. It’s not a secret gem like The Decoy Bride, it’s not so-bad-it’s-good like Kate & Leopold, and it’s not offensively bad like Something Borrowed. It just kind of…exists. The characters are broad, the humor is forced, and there’s nothing particularly compelling about the plot. Enough halfway decent scenes prevent the film from becoming a total disaster, which means it falls into the middling range of mass-produced rom coms that leave little-to-no impression. Clearly very little critical thought went into making this film and it’s awfully hard to discuss it critically. But, dear readers, making sense of the bland is my cross to bear so let’s dive in, shall we?

Really the best thing I can say about this movie is that it’s not Love, Wedding, Marriage, the truly god-awful Mandy Moore vehicle I reviewed a few weeks ago. While Love, Wedding, Marriage seemed to have no understanding of the basic art of filmmaking, Because I Said So makes some attempts at consistent characterization and logical plotting. Like some other films I’ve reviewed (Sleepless in Seattle springs to mind), this film looks not just at romantic relationships, but at familial ones as well.

Successful caterer Milly (Moore) and her mom Daphne (a shrill Diane Keaton) have a weird kind of codependent relationship that the film both criticizes and idolizes. After being dumped by her loser boyfriend, Milly declares she’s going to stay single forever like her role-model-mother. Daphne, ever the meddler, decides she knows best and secretly sets up an online dating profile for her daughter in order to prescreen candidates for Milly to fall in love with. (This comes after a scene in which Keaton accidentally stumbles onto a porn site; Because I Said So seems to think that putting Diane Keaton in embarrassing situations is the same thing as comedy. This ain’t exactly Annie Hall.)

A largely underused Lauren Graham and a totally underused Piper Perabo play Milly’s older sisters. Graham is a psychologist in a stable marriage. Perabo is, I don’t know, I think she’s married and I think she’s supposed to be the “wild one,” but she only has about three lines which means she barely makes an impression. Graham’s profession is largely an excuse for exposition and she feeds the audience helpful lines explaining that Milly can’t settle down because she never really knew her father.

One of the central conceits of Because I Said is that three grown sisters and their mother spend a large portion of their lives hanging out and doing stereotypical-girl things (going to the spa, buying shoes, trying on clothes, making conference calls). Which means we’re treated to a scene in which Lauren Graham, Piper Perabo, and Mandy Moore stand around in lingerie and tease Diane Keaton for her granny-panties. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Back to that string of events Because I Said So calls a plot: After a truly offensive montage of all the ugly/crazy/weird guys that answer Daphne’s ad (because people don’t matter at all outside of their appearance and first impression), Daphne finally meets a diamond in the rough, a rich-architect-type (aren’t they always?) played by Tom Everett Scott. I know Scott as Guy Patterson from one of my all time favorite films That Thing You Do! I’m sure his character has a name in Because I Said So, but I’d prefer to refer to him as Shades. (For the uninitiated, Shades was Guy Patterson’s nickname. I realize I’m starting to descend into madness, but it’s the only way I can get through this review.) Shades seems like the perfect guy for Milly, but to add a hitch in the proceedings, Daphne also meets Random-Musician-Man (Gabriel Macht; his character’s real name is Johnny, but again, let me have my fun). Random-Musician-Man has watched Daphne go on various blind-dates all afternoon and decides he wants to be the one to court the daughter of a crazy person. (He explains, “I like you. I have an odd instinct I’d like her too.” Yeah, that makes sense.) Thus we have the central conflict of the movie: rich, boring architect vs. poor, soulful musician. Take a wild guess as to which one Milly is going to fall for. I have to admit, at this point the film pretty much lost me as there is no situation in which I’m not rooting for Shades to get the girl.

In an impressive show of restraint, it’s a full 25 minutes into the movie before Keaton utters the titular line (during an excursion to the mall where the girls again strip down to their underwear). Most of the film’s second act consists of Keaton dropping things, tripping, and otherwise embarrassing herself. One of the film’s most repeated jokes is that women carry a lot of stuff in their purses (talk about cutting edge!) Milly ends up dating both men simultaneously (unbeknownst to either of them). Keaton meddles some more. It turns out Random-Musician-Man is also a doting-single-dad (the ultimate sympathy trump card) which inadvertently gives the film a bit of a creepy undertone: Milly never knew her father and now she’s attracted to a man who is raising a child. Freud would have a field day!

Even as a person with a high tolerance for shitty rom coms, the middle portion of this film is nearly unwatchable. Instead of wish fulfillment romance, we get lots of flustered, anxious fights between an unlikable mother and daughter who are enabling each other’s neuroses. There’s a weird frantic energy to the whole thing. Moore in particular (whose work I’ve enjoyed elsewhere, I don’t think it’s her fault she keeps landing these horrible roles) is constantly wringing her hands and rushing her lines. The physical comedy continues to have a slightly desperate air as the gags grow more and more ridiculous. Keaton walks in holding a cake, it’s bound to be only a few moments before it gets thrust into her face. By the time she’s driving down the road, hitting her malfunctioning GPS with a shoe, I was about ready to quit.

Things thankfully pick up about two-thirds of the way through. Daphne gets laryngitis and decides to move-in with Milly to recuperate (because, that makes sense). Once Keaton is silenced, some of the franticness calms down and the film takes time to breath. Moore brings a certain flustered sweetness to a scene where she describes an orgasm to her mother (who's never had one) and keeps the whole thing from becoming cringe-worthy. Daphne falls for Random-Musician-Man’s father, played by Stephen Collins (aka Mr. Camden from 7th Heaven), and they have a first kiss that feels awkwardly-charming rather than unwatchably-awkward. Tony Hale (aka Buster Bluth from Arrested Development) has a cameo as one of Lauren Graham’s patients that nearly steals the movie; you can tell he and Lauren Graham probably had a lot of fun on set. He’s more funny in two minutes than Keaton is the entire movie.

To its credit Because I Said So takes a surprisingly serious approach to its central premise. I made quite a few notes as I watched this film about Milly’s manipulative behavior in dating two guys at once (that isn’t gendered, I’d say the same thing if it were a guy in her situation). Both relationships are pretty serious: she’s sleeping with both men, has been introduced to both of their families and one even hints at marriage. For such a frothy rom com, I had a lot of moral concerns about the main heroine. Thankfully the movie deals with those concerns head on, as Random-Musician-Man catches Milly with her other beau and essentially reads the above paragraph to her. There’s a hint of a decent movie in their fight scene, but it’s unfortunately not the movie we get to see.

But I’m all for celebrating the small victories and the movie at least takes a stab at showing some consequences to both the romantic relationships and the mother/daughter one. Milly dumps Shades (I’m honestly not sure why she continued to date him for so long when it was pretty clear she didn’t really like him. Sure it injects some drama into the film, but it also makes Milly seem remarkably selfish and unhealthy indecisive). To punish her for the meddling, Milly stops speaking to her mother, which gives Keaton’s character a chance to have a bit of an arc and sort of learn a lesson. There’s even a montage of people being unhappy for an extended period of time and not just immediately getting over their concerns.

If this praise seems lukewarm, that’s because it is. Any movie that relies consistently on reaction shots from a dog probably has issues that can’t be resolved with one or two decent scenes. Because I Said So ends with one of the absolute worst romantic reunions in any rom com (in a cooking-for-one class Milly teaches to senior citizens). Random-Musician-Man’s declarations of love feel super creepy and non-romantic. Then a lot of old people start kissing each other and any goodwill Because I Said So earned in its third act evaporates.

The whole dull venture ends at the wedding of Daphne and Mr. Camden (which means Milly and Random-Musician-Man are step-siblings. Weird). The girls sing, Keaton does some more desperate physical comedy, and then a cake flies off a cliff and lands on Tony Hale because fuck it. Honestly I don’t have much more to say. It’s bad, but it’s not atrocious. There are enough halfway decent scenes that I can’t write it off entirely, but then again it’s certainly not worth sitting through two hours of dreck for a few engaging minutes. So there you have it dear readers, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write this and hopefully the next rom com I watch will inspire a little more critical thought. In the meantime let’s just end this the way Because I Said so would want us to, by imagining an adorable dog tilting its head inquisitively. That’s enough to save this review, right? 

Reality factor: Purses are messy! People on dating sites can be creepy! Old people will kiss other old people when given the chance! Thanks for the insights Because I Said So.  
[1 out of 5] 

Eye-candy factor: There are plenty of shots of girls in underwear and none of Shades in his skivvies. I’m all for equal opportunity eye-candy, but give me something here.  
[2 out of 5] 

Aww factor: Surprisingly Diane Keaton and Stephen Collins’ romance is the sweetest thing about this film. Too bad it’s only given about 10 minutes of screentime.  
[2 out of 5]

Review

Sleepless in Seattle

Released: 1993
Director: Nora Ephron
Starring: Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks

Grade: B

How do you write a romantic comedy in which the central couple don’t meet until the last five minutes of the movie? The answer is, you don’t. Nora Ephron’s 1993 Sleepless in Seattle isn’t really a romantic comedy so much as it’s a love letter to the rom com genre.

There’s a voyeuristic thread that runs through Sleepless in Seattle. Annie (Meg Ryan) becomes infatuated with Sam (Tom Hanks) after hearing him wax poetically on the radio about his recently deceased wife. Annie and Sam are two people on opposite sides of the country who are sleepwalking through life. Sam is trying his best to raise his eight-year-old son and get through each day without his wife at his side. Annie is trying to pretend that her engagement to milquetoast Walter (Bill Pullman) isn’t lacking in romance. Their wake-up call comes in the form of a call-in radio program. Sam verbalizes, perhaps for the first time, how truly difficult it is for him to survive without his wife. Annie, alone in her car, hears Sam talk about a kind of love she’s never really known with Walter. 

Sleepless in Seattle is oddly structured. For most of the film we’re watching Meg Ryan stalk Tom Hanks as he goes about living his life mostly unaware of her. Her storyline is entirely dependent on him, while his storyline centers around his son. From a narrative point of view, it makes the movie feels slightly unbalanced. From an allegorical point of view, it makes perfect sense. I see Annie not so much as a character, but as the personification of the rom com audience. She becomes invested in a stranger, just as the rom com audience becomes invested in fictional characters. She’s smart enough to recognize that the radio host is manipulating Sam to get a poignant sound bite (just as the rom com audience might recognize the manipulative tricks of a movie), but she gets sucked in any way. Annie goes so far as to hire a Private Investigator to learn more about Sam, and at one point she flies out to Seattle in hopes of meeting him. It sounds a bit crazy, but how many of us have looked into interviews and paparazzi photos of our favorite actors, yearning to learn a little more about the people we are love onscreen? It’s certainly not the same thing as stalking someone in real life (hopefully no one has done that to their favorite actor), but Annie’s character isn’t necessarily meant to be realistic. She’s a stand in for the viewers who love the magic of a good story. Only in her case, her story is flesh and blood, not celluloid.

In another ode to the rom com genre, writer/director Nora Ephron conceives of her film as an homage to the 1957 classic romantic melodrama, An Affair to Remember. Thanks to a dad who instilled me with a solid education in classic films, I’m familiar with An Affair to Remember, but you don’t really need to know the specifics of that film to get Ephron’s point. People love movies and conceptualize their real lives based around fictional ones. As Rosie O’Donnell’s character points out to Annie, “You want to be in love in a movie. You don’t want to be in love.” Annie asks Sam to meet her on top of the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day, just as Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr agree to do in An Affair to Remember. Fiction becomes reality to characters in a fictional world. It’s all a bit meta, but it works because the desire to make real life like something in a movie is so universal. In the ultimate bit of meta commentary, Annie laments,  “Men just don’t understand this movie,” as she sobs her way through the umpteenth viewing of An Affair to Remember. It’s a statement that could be applied to most Nora Ephron movies and most rom coms in general.


I’ve written about Nora Ephron’s work before in my review of When Harry Met Sally, one of her early screenplays. Sleepless in Seattle marks Ephron’s directorial debut and she rises to the challenge with a nice sense of style that enhances rather than overwhelms the story she’s telling. Although they remain physically separated for most of the movie, Ephron links Sam and Annie visually through parallel shots of their lives. Ephron also creates a unique visual landscape for each of the cities featured in the film- Chicago, Baltimore, Seattle, and New York. There’s a particularly beautiful aerial shot of Sam and his son Jonah standing in a graveyard that moves to reveal the Chicago skyline behind them. Smart use of location shots help ground the movie in the reality of our world and captures some of the magical rhythm of city living.

In general, early Nora Ephron movies have a lovely, lived-in quality that feels very different than the overproduced, polished rom coms of today. There’s a lot of attention to detail- Jonah sleeps in a University of Chicago shirt because they recently moved from Chicago, Annie puts sweet & low in her lemonade. These things don’t advance the plot or have any thematic importance, they just make the world feel more real. Most modern rom com heroines are styled like department store mannequins, but Annie is kind of unstylish- all messy hair and too many bags to carry. I could imagine a modern day rom com having a makeover scene, but here it’s not some fatal flaw Annie has to overcome, it’s just part of who she is.

One of the reasons Ephron gets away with keeping the lovers apart for so long is that the film's heart is paternal, not romantic. What I found myself caring most about was the story of a single dad trying to raise his son. The casting director did an amazing job in finding Ross Malinger, a child actor who manages to pull off a precocious character without becoming annoying. He’s got fantastic chemistry with Hanks and their relationship is probably one of the best father/son dynamics presented on film. (It’s also strikingly similar to the relationship between Liam Neeson and Thomas Sansgter in Love Actually, which I must assume was inspired by this film.)

Sleepless in Seattle isn’t a perfect movie. It’s a little too long and a little too slow. For a classic rom com, it’s surprisingly lacking in romance. But for all its faults, it has personality. Unlike the bland, mass produced rom coms of today, Sleepless in Seattle feels like a labor of love. The actors treat their characters with respect, never going for a cheap laugh at the expense of their humanity. And while Ephron inserts a bit of self-referential mocking, she clearly loves and respects the rom com genre. More importantly she loves and respects the rom com audience.

Ephron leaves the movie open-ended. Annie and Sam finally meet atop the Empire State Building and hold hands as they ride the elevator back down. That’s it. There’s no kiss, no “one year later” scene at their wedding. The movie essentially ends with a beginning, with two people who have woken up from their complacency and are now starting on a new, unknown path. We don’t know if they’ll live happily ever after, but we know they’re both willing to try. It’s that blend of sentimentality and realism that keeps Nora Ephron’s film feeling fresh two decades later. 

Reality factor: Sleepless in Seattle is a surprisingly realistic rom com, mostly because the romance is kept to a bare minimum and friendships drive the film. Jonah’s impromptu solo trip to New York is the only thing that raises this movie’s fantasy-levels. [4 out of 5] 

Eye-candy factor: Nora Ephron seems to favor nerdy leading men rather than dashing ones. It’s okay though, I’d take a man with a heart of gold over one with abs of steel any day. (Fun fact, I once sat behind Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson at a play and it was the best two hours of my life.) [2 out of 5] 

Aww factor: I really can’t overemphasize how great the father/son dynamic is in this movie. The lovely scene in which Sam comforts his son after a nightmare is topped only by their heartfelt reunion on top of the Empire State Building. [5 out of 5]

Hello lovely readers,

I absolutely love writing these reviews, but I admittedly don't post here as often as I'd like. Some of you might be thinking, "That's fine, these things are too long anyway, I don't want to read even more of them." If so, fantastic, happy to oblige. Others of you, however, might be looking for a little more content. If that's the case, here are a few more places to connect with me:

1. In addition to this site, I run a tumblr called Introverted Chicago where I post photos, recommendations and stories of Chicago. It's part photojournal, part lifestyle blog, and part collection of nerdy things I enjoy. I update there daily (usually) so feel free to follow along if you want.

2. Follow Rom Coms and the Real World on Facebook. I'm planning to start posting cool articles and opinion pieces about romantic comedies and the movie world there.

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Thanks so much for sticking with me on this venture. I'm now going to make a cup of tea and finish up this review of Sleepless in Seattle I've been working on for much too long.

Review

BEAUTIFUL CREATURES

Released: 2013
Director: Richard LaGravenese
Starring: Alice Englert & Alden Ehrenreich

Grade: A- 
(NOTE: This movie was graded on a camp-value curve)

For the first twenty minutes I couldn’t quite decide what to think of Beautiful Creatures. It’s essentially Twilight set in the South, with witches instead of vampires, and the genders of the main characters reversed. For the first couple of scenes the film didn’t do much to distinguish itself from its supernatural romance predecessor, but at the twenty-minute mark something magical happened. As our star-crossed lovers bantered un-wittily, the camera swung around to reveal Jeremy Irons (or, as he will henceforth be known, Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons), clad in a crisp, white, Asian-inspired housecoat that Liberace would die for, accessorized with Aviator sunglasses, leaning against the pillar of his mansion and inviting everyone inside with a heavy Southern drawl. What started as a boring teen romance suddenly took a sharp turn into Ed Wood levels of camp and I was onboard faster than you can say Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Beautiful Creature’s protagonist, Ethan Wate, is a charming Southern teenager with a tragic past (his mom died), who is still totally sensitive and intellectual (which we can tell because he loves Slaughterhouse Five and only reads banned books). What Ethan wants more than anything is to escape his tiny town of Gatlin, South Carolina and explore the world. We meet Ethan at the start of his junior year, as his teacher explains the mandatory Civil War reenactment all students must attend over Christmas Break. Just as we’re starting to suspect that conspicuously mentioned reenactment might feature heavily in the movie’s climax, a mysterious new girl ambles moodily into Ethan’s class. Turns out she’s Lena Duchannes, the niece of notorious million and town recluse, Macon Ravenwood (Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons). All of the girls totally hate Lena because, I don’t know, she’s brunette? Also they assume she’s a Satanist and they’re good Christians and don’t want to be in the same room with her (oh by the way, this movie is set in the South).

Ethan falls in love with Lena because, I don’t know, she’s brunette? He shows up at her house after knowing her for one day and they have all this sexual tension, but Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons is against the whole thing and uses a spell to force Ethan out. Thankfully, Ethan is way too hipster to be scared away by magic, so he sneaks back to Lena’s room where she confesses that she is a “Caster,” the politically correct term for witch nowadays. Like all female casters, on her 16^th birthday Lena will be claimed for either the Light or the Dark. (Sort of like in Star Wars, but with more mood swings and fewer lightsabers). At this point I began to wonder if this “claiming” was supposed to be a metaphor for female sexuality and the sexual double standard, but then I remembered I was watching a movie with the tagline “dark secrets will come to light.”

Just as I was starting to get a little bored of all of this clunky exposition, Academy-Award-Winning-Actress-Emma-Thompson shows up as a Bible Thumping Gatlin resident who is also (spoiler alert) being controlled by the evil spirit of Lena’s mother, Sarafine. In perhaps my favorite scene in the movie, Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons and Academy-Award-Winning-Actress-Emma Thompson have an amazingly over the top confrontation that takes place in a church and has incestuous undertones and allows both actors to eat their fill of the scenery. Plus Academy-Award-Winning-Actress-Emma-Thompson gets to use the evil maniacal laugh I can only assume she spent her career preparing.

In order to protect Lena from Sarafine’s evil influences, Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons turns to Academy-Award-Nominated-Actress-Viola-Davis (who is sort of living with Ethan as his mother figure or maybe she’s his housekeeper, it’s not really clear). What is clear is that Academy-Award-Nominated-Actress-Viola-Davis must have been paid a boatload of money to be in this film because it turns out she is a “seerer” which seems to consist of bringing coconut cream pie to her uncle’s grave while wearing tribal jewelry and decorative scars. It’s all vaguely racist and vaguely confusing and maybe Academy-Award-Nominated-Actress-Viola-Davis is just trying to punish us all for the fact that Meryl Streep stole her Oscar.

Since one major magic curse isn’t enough, there’s also a curse that says that if a Caster loves a mortal she will be claimed for the Dark no matter what. So Lena’s fighting an uphill battle here, and she’s totally upset about it, and then to make matters worse her super hot cousin Ridley (Emmy Rossum) shows up literally wearing lingerie. Ridley was claimed for the Dark and apparently her power is being sexy and everyone in the family hates her and you can tell Emmy Rossum has never been happier than while playing this part.

Lena’s family uses magic to separate her from Ethan, but his love for his paranormal paramour is so strong that it breaks the protection spell. And because the magical abilities of Casters are never clearly defined, we accept this turn of events. Ethan decides to help Lena break the curse and turn to the Light and they totally have sex (which is represented metaphorically through a sign catching on fire). At this point the more puritanical of the Twilight fans are freaking out because Ethan and Lena aren’t married, but it’s also kind of hot so everyone’s okay with it.

The plot just gets more convoluted from there including a spiritual connection to the Civil War, a magical bullet, and a secret underground library, but I’ll spare you the details in case you want to see this one for yourselves.

So what to make of the beautiful mess that is Beautiful Creature? On the one hand it’s got one of the most convoluted plots this side of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Even though it tries to set itself apart from Twilight by making the female character the supernatural one, Lena is just as dull as Bella Swan and perhaps even moodier (which isn’t aided by Alice Englert’s wooden performance). On the other hand, I thoroughly enjoyed watching every minute of this movie, if only to see what ridiculous Elton-John-inspired outfit Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons would wear next. (At one point there’s even an extended scene of him playing the piano for no reason at all). Academy-Award-Winning-Actress-Emma-Thompson is having so much fun not playing a dowdy mother figure, and the unfortunately named Alden Ehrenreich as Ethan is actually pretty darn charming in a slightly James Dean-esque, boyish way.

While Twilight got bogged down in lingering glances and pained expressions, Beautiful Creatures allows its romantic leads to enjoy each other’s company, which, shockingly, got me more invested in their relationship. I was doubtful of the film at first, but once I turned off my brain I was happily swept away into the over-the-top world of the Southern supernatural. There’s a knowing campiness about the whole film that not even the most humorous moment of Twilight aspired to. You’ve got to accept is that this is Beautiful Creature’s world and we’re just living in it. 

Reality factor: A fact about Academy-Award-Winning-Actor-Jeremy-Irons’ character that is mentioned several times is that he loves Google. I am not kidding.  [0 out of 5] 

Eye-candy factor: Regardless of sexual orientation, I think we can all agree that Emmy Rossum was smokin’ hot in this film. [5 out of 5]

Aww factor: Alden Ehrenreich is charming enough to make a truckload of tormented teenager clichés seem adorable. [4 out of 5] 

What did you think of Beautiful Creatures? Campy fun or boring teen romance? Let me know in the comments section below!

Caroline and Will Drunk Blog Moulin Rouge

As I’ve mentioned before, I take movie watching very seriously. But even a serious critic like myself likes to cut loose every now and then. Last week, my good friend Will (check him out on Twitter!) and I decided to order Indian food, drink our weight in gin & tonics, and watch everyone’s favorite musical melodrama Moulin Rouge. So here is the first (of hopefully many) Caroline and Will’s Drunk Liveblog: Moulin Rouge Edition.

MAIN TITLES

 

8:40pm         The movie begins and we start on gin & tonic number one.

                        Caroline: I feel like I’m coming out of the closet as a Moulin Rouge fan.

                        Will: Join the club. Except for the Moulin Rouge part.

                                             

8:41pm          Will and Caroline sing along to the 20^th Century Fox theme

8:42pm          Will: This whole thing takes place on a stage. How meta.

                        Caroline: Do you think our theatre major perspective will be helpful here?

                        Will: Is our theatre major perspective ever helpful?

THERE WAS A BOY

8:44pm          Caroline: When Ewan McGregor cries, I want to cry.

                        Will: Calm down, we’re only two minutes into the movie.

Caroline: The Force is strong with this one.

Will: You’re a nerd.

AT THE MOULIN ROUGE

8:45pm          Will: So many colors, it’s kind of frightening. Ooh Jim Broadbent!

                        Caroline: Are you a Broadbent fan?

                        Will: Have you seen the cinematic masterpiece that is Harry Potter and 

                        the Order of the Phoenix?

8:46pm          Caroline: Is it weird that I love Ewan’s depression beard?

                        Will: Is there anything about him you don’t love?

                        Caroline: His teeth are weird.

                        Will: He’s Scottish, give him a break.

8:47pm          Christian: The woman I loved is... dead.

                        Caroline: Spoiler alert!!

8:48pm          Caroline: Why does Ewan capitalize the word Narcolepsy?

                        Will: Are we focusing on the right things, here?

THE GREEN FAIRY

8:56pm          Will: Kylie Minogue is a gay icon.

                        Caroline: She was also on an episode of Doctor Who!

                        Will: That pretty much sums up our interests.

8:58pm          Will: Plotwise, I don’t understand what’s going on. Ooh Nirvana!

Caroline: I think this was the first time I heard ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’.

Will: That’s not good.

DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND

9:00pm          Time for gin & tonic number two!

9:01pm          Will: So did all of these men just happen to wear the same suit and hat?

                        Caroline: They must be so embarrassed.

9:07pm          Will: That’s a lot of dudes holding hands. This movie is a lot gayer than it 

                         seems. And it seems pretty gay.

9:10pm          Our food arrives! Chicken tikka masala, mutter paneer and a million pieces of naan. We’re too hungry to pause the movie.

A POETRY READING

9:17pm          Will: This could be called the “That’s What She Said Scene.”

                        Caroline: It’s very sexually explicit. Did we really watch this in middle 

                       school?

9:18pm          Will: Nicole Kidman? Not very funny.

YOUR SONG

9:19pm          Caroline is drunk enough to sing along. Will is not pleased.

9:20pm          Will: What’s up with Ewan’s vibrato? He’s just yelling on pitch.

Caroline: It’s raining sparkles!

9:22pm          Will: She’s a crazy whore who was being super weird. Why did Ewan fall 

                       in love with her?

                        Caroline: Shhhh.

9:25pm           We run out of tonic so we switch to Sprite. (Just FYI a gin & Sprite is not 

                         nearly as good as a gin & tonic.)

THE PITCH

9:27pm          Will: For the record, Jim Broadbent is still killing it.

9:30pm          Caroline: I will never get tired of the word maharaja.

9:33pm          The Duke: “And in the end, should someone die?”

                        Caroline: Foreshadowing! Baz Luhrmann is a genius.

 ONE DAY I’LL FLY AWAY

9:38pm          Caroline: Do we like her voice?

                        Will: Nope.

ELEPHANT LOVE SONG MEDLEY

9:39pm          Caroline: The Elephant Love Song Medley, aka why this movie was made.

                        Will: His voice is so much better than hers.

                        Caroline: I’m melting. I’m a puddle.

Will: Her boobs are pretty rocking in this scene. I’ll give her that.

                       

9:43pm            Caroline: People didn’t date back then, they were just married. That’s my 

                         dream life.

9:45pm            Bathroom break for Will. Caroline steals some of his naan.

9:50pm            Will returns: Is she dead yet?

ON WITH THE SHOW

9:51pm          Will: His name is Ziegler? Like Toby Ziegler? Can we watch West Wing?

                        Caroline: I think it’s Zidler.

                        Will: Bartlett for America!

LIKE A VIRGIN

9:53pm          Will: The Duke is secretly hilarious.

                        Caroline: And he secretly has a great voice.

                        Will: I’m rooting for the Duke.

           

SATINE IS DYING

9:54pm          Christian: “For the first time he had felt the cold stab of jealousy.”

                        Will: That’s poetic.

                        Caroline: That’s pathetic.

                        Will: Did you just make a Rent reference?

                        Caroline: Did you just get my Rent reference?

                        Will: Touché.

9:55pm          Satine: “On opening night I have to sleep with the Duke.”

                        Will: If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said that…

 COME WHAT MAY

9:58pm          Caroline is crying. Will is not.

10:00pm       Caroline: Secret songs are the best songs.

                        Will: Is this supposed to be romantic? They barely know each other.

                        Caroline: The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and—

                        Will: Shut up.

10:01pm        Time for another round of drinks!

I DON’T LIKE THIS ENDING

10:02pm        Will does a great impression of the Duke. Caroline laughs for way too long.

10:03pm        “Why would the courtesan go for the penniless writer? Whoops. I mean 

                        sitar player.”

                        Will: That whore is a bitch.

10:05pm        Caroline: Wait, they’re still writing the ending one day before opening? 

                         How will they learn their lines?

LE TANGO DE ROXANNE

10:07pm        Caroline: Finally the Argentinian earns his paycheck.

                        Will: I forgot he existed.

                        Caroline: I think Baz did too.

10:10pm         Will: Is this what prostitutes do on their day off? Sing Sting songs?

10:14pm        Caroline: I never understood this part of the movie. Who is that black 

                      drag queen? What is he doing here? What’s going on? God I love Ewan 

                       McGregor.

THE SHOW MUST GO ON

10:21pm         Will: I’m sick of her stupid, breathy singing voice. Go away Nicole 

                         Kidman. Go back to Keith Urban.

10:23pm        Caroline: God I love sad things.

                        Will: God I love Jim Broadbent.

10:25pm        My roommate returns. She looks concerned.

HINDI SAD DIAMONDS

10:26pm        Caroline: Is this Indian number offensive?

                        Will: Maybe a little.

10:29pm        Will: He basically just made their life into a Bollywood musical.

                        Caroline: Write what you know.

10:35pm        Christian: “I’ve paid my whore.”

                        Caroline: I try to use that in everyday conversation as much as possible.

COME WHAT MAY (REPRISE)

10:37pm        Will: That should be a belting moment for her right there. Missed 

                       opportunity.

                        Caroline: She’s got consumption, what do you expect?     

10:39pm        Will: This production is going awry. The stage manager must be so 

                         overwhelmed.

                        Caroline: This is like nineteenth-century Smash. Where’s Debra Messing 

                        and her scarves?

Will: They all know the choreography for a part of the show they’d never 

rehearsed. They’re the most amazing ensemble in the world.

                        Caroline: Someone get them a Tony!

10:40pm        Caroline: That gun bounces around way too much not to be shot. 

                        Chekhov is rolling in his grave.

10:42pm        Will: She’s bleeding out of the mouth. That’s not a good sign.

                        Caroline: She probably shouldn’t have been belting that love song.

                        Will: She wasn’t exactly belting….

 

10:46pm         Will: Thank god she’s finally dead.

Caroline is in the fetal position.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Will

There was not enough substance to back up the emotional blah I was supposed to feel.

Caroline

Can I use the extra naan to dry my tears? Just kidding, I ate it all.